It’s that weekend. The time for the trek to Dallas, Texas, and the Texas State Fair – the site of the Cotton Bowl and the annual Red River Rivalry. This year, let’s hope Texas has picked up the pieces from the UCLA game and found themselves some football players. Otherwise, Saturday’s going to get real ugly, real fast.
The following came across EyesOfTX’s inbox this week, and it was worth sharing. The validity of the original author is in question, but I believe it to be one Brian Smith – if so, here is his shout-out. Thanks for the memories, and the laughs.
EyesOfTX, or Brian for that matter, are in no way responsible for your game day behavior. Consider this your pre-game checklist.
1) Stick to the fundamentals early in the week when preparing for the TX/ou game on Saturday. Clean the flask, study the spread, talk some early trash, but stay focused. Make any bets early…alcohol and emotion are sure ways to get your ass in a bind around kickoff. I recommend locating your game tickets now and handing them over to someone less emotionally involved. Try not to get drunk before Thursday…if you peak too early in the week, you might leave your edge in a bar and not have it when you need it come game day.
2) Suspend all health-related activities at least 10 days prior to kickoff. The last thing you need is a clean system going into the fairgrounds. Prepare for the onslaught of sugar, carbs and alcohol that awaits you on Saturday. Have a pizza. You want to be concerned with your team’s ability to stop the runs, not your own.
3) Get as absolutely hammered as you can on Friday night. I recommend meeting with some buddies early for happy hour and getting so drunk that you are late for your dinner reservations or even miss them all together. If you want to take it up a notch, don’t call your wife or girlfriend to tell her where you are or answer her calls while she is trying to find you. This will obviously piss her off something fierce, but she is going to get pissed off sometime during the weekend anyway…so set the tone early and get it over with. Look at it as helping prepare her for how it’s going to be on Saturday when you are again so sh^t faced you can’t see and spend the entire day completely ignoring her.
4) Get to the fair as early as you possibly can, no matter what time the game kicks off. This won’t be easy. You wife or girlfriend is not as stupid as you would like she might to be. The earlier you get there, the drunker you will be when she tricks you into leaving that night and she knows it. Trying to justify the need to arrive 6 hours before kickoff will require you to have a plan. Your significant other will want to shower and get ready because she thinks it’s important to look cute. She will talk about all the people she will see that day that she hasn’t seen in a long time. If you want to leave for the game at 9:00 a.m., tell her 8:30 a.m….that way you will at least be on the road by 9:15 a.m. You can make up the difference on the drive down. Yes, she will b^tch about your driving too fast, but the extra 15 minutes of drinking before the game will be worth it.
5) Upon arrival at the fair, immediately do the following:
a) Estimate how many coupons it would take to feed and entertain the Huxstable’s, the Brady’s and the Walton’s for an entire day at the fair….then buy double that amount. It will seem like way too much, but it won’t be. Hey, let’s face it – you and your buddies are going to be drinking a lot more than Peter Brady and John Boy Walton, so buck up.
b) Find a bathroom somewhere off the beaten path and show it to your significant other. This will save you from having to do it 27 times later.
c) Get your S.O. a corndog. You know she wants one, hell you probably do too. The line is as short as it is going to be all day, so get it over with.
6) Ignore your S.O. She expects it and will make you pay later anyway, so you might as well take advantage. This is the one day a year when you get a free pass to act like an idiot with other idiots with free passes from their S.O.’s. I truly think that is why TX/ou is at the fairgrounds. Our S.O.’s bring us there inside the fence and unhook the leash so we can runaround like idiots marking our territory. They sit and talk to each other and watch to make sure we don’t run out a gate and into traffic. If you did what you were suppose to with 3a and 3b, then you have fulfilled your obligation as a husband or boyfriend…..after that, it’s about beer and football with your buddies.
7) When you get to your seats at the game, introduce yourself and apologize to all those around you for things you are going to do and say later. Tell them that you tend to get emotional and scream things during the game that are not always pleasant. They will laugh uncomfortably and think you are kidding, only to realize later, when the game starts, that you weren’t. It makes them feel like they can’t really say anything, because you already said you were sorry. After last year, people in my section were convinced I had Tourette’s Syndrome, so I just went with it. Look for children…warn the parents before they learn the hard way that the “F” word can be used as a noun, verb and adjective…all in the same sentence.
8 ) Be prepared for the fact that some people don’t realize the importance of this game. Write them off to being imbeciles and move on. Use verbal assaults disguised as compliments to fulfill any psycho rage thing you have working. The TVs in jail are tough to see and none of your buddies are going to give up their S.O. free pass to leave and come get you out of jail, so fighting should be as a last resort only. Besides, you are not near as tough as you think you are.